It’s been an adventure. For people that have never had a problem with their relationship with food, it can be a difficult thing to understand. I haven’t had a healthy relationship with food until recently. It’s been a struggle for me for over 10 years.
About 2 years ago, things were worse than ever for me. I was at my all time lowest weight, 107 lbs. I am about 5’6″ with a very athletic body type, and 107 lbs. was scary on me. I had no energy, my moods and temperament were all over the place. I was going some days without eating a single thing at all. I will never forget it… I was shopping at Macy’s with my sister and Dad, when all of the sudden I began to feel very faint. My head and heart started pounding, my body was shaking, and everything started to go blurry. I told my sister I needed to sit down and splash cold water in my face, so she helped me walk to the bathroom. I thought for sure I was going to pass out. I knew I couldn’t keep going on like this. I wasn’t going to survive much longer if I continued to live this way. I broke down crying and told her everything that was going on. I told her I had an eating disorder, and I really needed help.
This picture was taken around that time. I always tried to wear somewhat baggy clothes to help hide my ever shrinking body. After I broke down to my sister, I shared exactly what was going on with my husband as well and with my dad. Nobody was really surprised, it was obvious to everyone around me that something was going on. They were pretty much just waiting for me to admit it. Everyone agreed I needed to get some help. We then had to make a decision of what kind of treatment I was going to receive. I immediately began seeing a therapist that specialized in eating disorders, and she recommended that I first go see a Doctor and get an examination and have testing done to see where my health was at. If there wasn’t anything too serious, we decided I could do outpatient treatment. If I was having any health problems because of my ED, I needed to go inpatient. I was terrified. I went to my appointment, and was really scared when my EKG came back irregular. The Doctor explained to me that most women that die from an eating disorder die from a heart attack or cardiac arrest. My heart was beating irregularly… this was not good. If I did not do something, I was going to end up like one of those women. Thankfully, that was the only major problem outside of my obviously malnourished body. I started outpatient treatment the next week. I had to go in 4 days a week, seeing a dietician, therapist, and attending group sessions. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. And honestly, I hated it. I hated having to constantly talk about it and face all of my problems head on. I couldn’t wait for it all to be over with. But I stuck with it, because deep down, even though I hated it I knew I needed it to save my life.
After about 6 months of 4x a week treatment, I was able to cut back to twice a week, then once a week, then every other week. After another few months, I discontinued treatment all together. I was in a good place, and I was so happy to be done. The problem I ran into is that when you are recovering from an eating disorder, everyone around you is constantly encouraging you to eat and gets nervous if you don’t eat all your food or if you want to exercise, etc. And I can’t blame them really. Everyone was looking for any little sign of me going back to my unhealthy habits, they were so worried about me. The result of this was that I began to gain weight. I was eating whatever I wanted and wasn’t exercising. So of course I gained weight, that’s what happens.
I found myself becoming pretty unhappy with my body and my health, and I knew I needed to do something about it. I know myself, and if I kept going too far in that direction, I would panic and go to extremes to “fix it”. I would end up going back to that unhealthy life. The one where the scale controlled my every move. I needed to find a happy medium. I started to exercise in healthy amounts. I started eating healthy, organic, and clean food and following an alkaline diet. This year I discovered my new found love, pilates. My body began to transform, and I started to feel happy and confident with myself once again. And today, I’m feeling better and healthier than ever. I feel strong and energized. I even feel comfortable wearing my arch nemesis… shorts!
It’s been quite a journey for me. I am so happy and even proud of myself to be where I am today. And my focus now is to continue to be healthy, and get even stronger and more fit in the process. I learned that things take time. I needed to be patient and understand that I wasn’t going to lose my extra weight of have a 6 pack in two weeks. I also learned how to have a healthy relationship with food. I no longer look at it as the enemy! I enjoy it, I love eating, especially healthy foods. They taste great and make me feel great. And I let loose every once in a while and eat pasta, sweets, even pizza! It’s all about balance.
If you are suffering from an eating disorder please visit: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/treatment